We Are The Knights Who Say Nee!

Film by Monty Python
The Holy Grail

Scene 25
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
Nee!
Nee!
Nee!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say… Nee!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEMIR: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
Nee-wom!
RANDOM: Nee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say ‘nee’ again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want… a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: A what?
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHTS: Now… go!

Scene 30
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
CRONE: Who sent you?
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
and I will say… we will say… `nee’.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,… nee!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR: Nee!
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no — it’s not that, it’s ‘nee’.
BEDEMIR: Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no — ‘nee’. You’re not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
ARTHUR: That’s it, that’s it, you’ve got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
ROGER: Are you saying ‘nee’ to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee’
at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing
is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies’?
ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade — I am a shrubber. My name
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEMIR: Nee!
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!

Scene 31
ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now… no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of– Knights Who ‘Til Recently
Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find… another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
down the mightiest tree in the forest… with… a herring!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don’t say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, `is’?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is’ — we couldn’t get vary far in life not
saying `is’.
BEDEMIR: My liege, it’s Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR: Oh, Robin!
ROBIN: My liege! It’s good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you’ve not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up–
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no– far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from–
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Narrative Interlude 3
NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their
search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
rejoicing.
ALL: Yay! Yay!
NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin’s
minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay!
NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed
into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring
and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day…